P is for Perfect
P is for Perfect.
There are very few people like me that I have met, though I know there are plenty, that have a problem with commitment... No, I'm not talking about the relationship commitment that everyone talks about. I'm not talking about the guy who keeps wanting to hold your hand but won't ask you out on a date, OR the girl that writes the rest of her life away to that guy who asked her out, because obviously he wants to marry her. No, I'm talking about the day to day commitments we make to ourselves, our jobs, our friends, and our families.
I'm talking about the shift you promised to pick up for a coworker, the coffee you agreed to have at 8 am Friday morning, and the lab report you have due Monday night. Most people can handle their own schedules fine. They know when they need down time and they take it. They know when they need social time and they create it. They know when they need to get homework done and they do it. And they know when they need to sleep and well, they do their best to get there.
There's also that "no" word that comes with commitment. You're always gonna be making commitments, but you're always gonna have to turn some down too, right? People tell me that saying no is a necessity, I guess I missed that memo.You see, people like me, don't know what it is to say "no" in a daily schedule. Honestly, I don't remember what it is to be BORED. OH! How I would love to learn feeling that again... But really. Do you know what I'm talking about? Last week, the only time I had to myself where I had nothing to do next, was 2 hours on Monday night and I spent it running barefoot through my aunt's neighborhood in the pouring rain! Then my calf cramped up for the next two days.. But the rest of the time I was either at school, doing homework, at worship practice, having coffee or lunch with a friend, working, being a taxi driver, taking care of my aunt's dogs and house, skyping with good friends across the ocean, trying to communicate with a boyfriend in Greece, or sleeping, God willing. Bottom line, my life is a mess. It's crazy.
I can admit that now. However, I couldn't fully understand that a couple weeks ago. This has been a habit for me for quite some time now, over booking myself. But I was only able to realize how pride played into it recently. You see, normal people see and feel the craziness of this life and say to themselves, "Whoa, I need a break. I need to cut down some of these things and take some time to relax." Whereas people like me say to themselves, "Yeah, life's crazy right now. I'm fine." You think you're just born tougher than the rest of the world, you think you're made to endure more. No. That's a lie. You can trust me. P is for believing that life is Perfect when it most certainly isn't.
Pride does that. Pride comes in through the chaos and the busyness and it sits and waits. It watches you run around like a chicken with your head cut off and it laughs at you. Then you go to take a water break, and it's there to tell you that there's a lot more to be done and to keep going because "You're tough" and "only you can handle it". Man, how EASY it is to believe that!
I spent the last 4 months telling myself how good I was at multitasking and managing so many activities and organizations, when really, pride was lying into my ear again and slowly making me blind. I finally realized this week that I physically and emotionally cannot work 36 hours a week, be a full time student in school, go out to lunch everyday, dog sit, eat poorly, and sleep 6 hours a night or less. Impossible. Here's where pride becomes a heart breaker. Pride lies to you until you physically and emotionally crash. There's no warning light or beep that comes on when the break pads are almost gone or the oil is practically empty. You just keep on going blind until the metal is grinding together so hard that it just stops and begins to smoke.
I found out that I was done because after every conversation I had over lunch, dinner, or coffee in public I might add, ended in me crying. I yelled at my dad in public at a practice, I cried the entire way home. I had lunch with him the next day to apologize, I cried the last ten minutes. I Skyped with a good friend the next day, I cried for a third of the conversation... I was in a public lounge.. it was embarrassing. That following day I blew a tire, I cried as I paid for two brand new ones to be installed. That night I worked a 17 hour shift and went to bed at 7:30 in the morning, I cried when I got home because I was so exhausted. I then had dinner with my parents, I cried as we talked about the next semester. A small conversation with my brother ended in silent tears. The next day I cried as I apologized to a group of people for losing my temper, I was so embarrassed with myself... and unfortunately, the list continues. Financial issues came into the mix, family drama, lack of sleep, anything and everything was draining. I couldn't tell that I wasn't fine until my metal was grinding and blowing steam; my engine had shut down.
You may just say, "Well, Abby, I think you just had a mental breakdown... I don't why you say pride is involved in this?" But don't you see it?? Do you not get the key factor here? I'm not an unobservant person... in fact I notice a LOT of little and big things that no one else notices. I was being blinded, lied to. I was being deceived, by my own self! Folks that's pride. You aren't as good at juggling life as you think you are! Wake up! If you are balancing on one foot day to day and barely hanging on but "it's still fine" IT'S NOT! If you're schedule is as crazy as mine has been or worse but everything is still "all good", STOP! Chances are you are about to have a big mess in front of you and you might just catch it in time to avoid it instead of falling face first into it.
There is no such thing as perfect for us. We are made in God's image, but we are human and we are sinful. There is nothing good in us. Romans 7:18 says "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out" (ESV). We will never be able to be just like Christ.So when you find yourself thinking you're fine, that sleeping can wait 'til the next night, you've probably fallen into some clever trap that your pride set for you.
There are very few people like me that I have met, though I know there are plenty, that have a problem with commitment... No, I'm not talking about the relationship commitment that everyone talks about. I'm not talking about the guy who keeps wanting to hold your hand but won't ask you out on a date, OR the girl that writes the rest of her life away to that guy who asked her out, because obviously he wants to marry her. No, I'm talking about the day to day commitments we make to ourselves, our jobs, our friends, and our families.
I'm talking about the shift you promised to pick up for a coworker, the coffee you agreed to have at 8 am Friday morning, and the lab report you have due Monday night. Most people can handle their own schedules fine. They know when they need down time and they take it. They know when they need social time and they create it. They know when they need to get homework done and they do it. And they know when they need to sleep and well, they do their best to get there.
There's also that "no" word that comes with commitment. You're always gonna be making commitments, but you're always gonna have to turn some down too, right? People tell me that saying no is a necessity, I guess I missed that memo.You see, people like me, don't know what it is to say "no" in a daily schedule. Honestly, I don't remember what it is to be BORED. OH! How I would love to learn feeling that again... But really. Do you know what I'm talking about? Last week, the only time I had to myself where I had nothing to do next, was 2 hours on Monday night and I spent it running barefoot through my aunt's neighborhood in the pouring rain! Then my calf cramped up for the next two days.. But the rest of the time I was either at school, doing homework, at worship practice, having coffee or lunch with a friend, working, being a taxi driver, taking care of my aunt's dogs and house, skyping with good friends across the ocean, trying to communicate with a boyfriend in Greece, or sleeping, God willing. Bottom line, my life is a mess. It's crazy.
I can admit that now. However, I couldn't fully understand that a couple weeks ago. This has been a habit for me for quite some time now, over booking myself. But I was only able to realize how pride played into it recently. You see, normal people see and feel the craziness of this life and say to themselves, "Whoa, I need a break. I need to cut down some of these things and take some time to relax." Whereas people like me say to themselves, "Yeah, life's crazy right now. I'm fine." You think you're just born tougher than the rest of the world, you think you're made to endure more. No. That's a lie. You can trust me. P is for believing that life is Perfect when it most certainly isn't.
Pride does that. Pride comes in through the chaos and the busyness and it sits and waits. It watches you run around like a chicken with your head cut off and it laughs at you. Then you go to take a water break, and it's there to tell you that there's a lot more to be done and to keep going because "You're tough" and "only you can handle it". Man, how EASY it is to believe that!
I spent the last 4 months telling myself how good I was at multitasking and managing so many activities and organizations, when really, pride was lying into my ear again and slowly making me blind. I finally realized this week that I physically and emotionally cannot work 36 hours a week, be a full time student in school, go out to lunch everyday, dog sit, eat poorly, and sleep 6 hours a night or less. Impossible. Here's where pride becomes a heart breaker. Pride lies to you until you physically and emotionally crash. There's no warning light or beep that comes on when the break pads are almost gone or the oil is practically empty. You just keep on going blind until the metal is grinding together so hard that it just stops and begins to smoke.
I found out that I was done because after every conversation I had over lunch, dinner, or coffee in public I might add, ended in me crying. I yelled at my dad in public at a practice, I cried the entire way home. I had lunch with him the next day to apologize, I cried the last ten minutes. I Skyped with a good friend the next day, I cried for a third of the conversation... I was in a public lounge.. it was embarrassing. That following day I blew a tire, I cried as I paid for two brand new ones to be installed. That night I worked a 17 hour shift and went to bed at 7:30 in the morning, I cried when I got home because I was so exhausted. I then had dinner with my parents, I cried as we talked about the next semester. A small conversation with my brother ended in silent tears. The next day I cried as I apologized to a group of people for losing my temper, I was so embarrassed with myself... and unfortunately, the list continues. Financial issues came into the mix, family drama, lack of sleep, anything and everything was draining. I couldn't tell that I wasn't fine until my metal was grinding and blowing steam; my engine had shut down.
You may just say, "Well, Abby, I think you just had a mental breakdown... I don't why you say pride is involved in this?" But don't you see it?? Do you not get the key factor here? I'm not an unobservant person... in fact I notice a LOT of little and big things that no one else notices. I was being blinded, lied to. I was being deceived, by my own self! Folks that's pride. You aren't as good at juggling life as you think you are! Wake up! If you are balancing on one foot day to day and barely hanging on but "it's still fine" IT'S NOT! If you're schedule is as crazy as mine has been or worse but everything is still "all good", STOP! Chances are you are about to have a big mess in front of you and you might just catch it in time to avoid it instead of falling face first into it.
There is no such thing as perfect for us. We are made in God's image, but we are human and we are sinful. There is nothing good in us. Romans 7:18 says "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out" (ESV). We will never be able to be just like Christ.So when you find yourself thinking you're fine, that sleeping can wait 'til the next night, you've probably fallen into some clever trap that your pride set for you.
This is good, Abby. And honest and vulnerable. I hope taking care of our home didn't add to your stress level, hon. Yes, the culture if our society is busy, busy, busy and over commitment!! God says in His Word, "Be still, and know I am Gid." BE STILL. We all need to work on that to get the right balance in our lives. Praying for you, honey..... love you.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness. The rain is coming down again, I sit looking out the window at the grey skies, the basement is still torn up from the last rabbit-induced flood with a new floor covering consisting of pebbles and epoxy that doesn't like it wet quite yet. Wondering what's next, Harley finally settled down next to me, Ralph looking nervous in the corner, more invoicing to do so it is easy to frown right now.
ReplyDeleteAnd then, I discover your new blog. Abby writes and expresses herself - well. Really well. So now a smile comes out even though the sky is still grey. Suppose we always knew this, Abby, since - after all - your musical poetry is wonderful. My hat's off. Encouragement. Thank you. cdr