R is for Replay

P is for Perfect.
R is for Replay.

Everyone has that thing that they just keep coming back to... Peanut M&Ms, coffee, chocolate milk, donuts, coffee, peanut butter, coffee, cheesy chick-flicks, horrible action films... There's always that thing that comes back no matter how much you hate yourself for loving it.

Last December I realized how real and big pride was in my life; how infected I was. It took a complete crash course to get to that point but realizing it was half the battle. Amazing how well pride hides itself isn't it? I began to wonder, just how long have I been like this? What all has it affected in my life? How many people have I hurt? How many people noticed this before I did? I began to feel the true guilt and embarrassment of the things I had said and done over the past year or so. It hurt.

Have you ever found yourself in that moment of awareness, where you hear loudly the sound of your own voice repeating over and over again the vicious words you said to a dear friend, family member, or even boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse? It's an awful, gut-wrenching feeling... One that you can't escape and you can't find the words to recover from. Tears might start to pool in your eyes but they refuse to actually fall or cause a scene. It's like they're there to annoy you and remind you of the pain. There is no way to apologize to those you hurt, and even if you did find the words, you don't have the courage to say it. Why? You can probably guess it by now; pride.

It's that little voice inside your head that fuels your confidence AND your insecurities at the same time. It tells you how weak you'll look if you apologize... How vulnerable you'll be if you show your true emotions.

Come January, I was starting to figure all of this out, with the wisdom and love of my amazing mother I might add... There's no way I would have gotten out of my mess without her constant concern, love and discernment. Discovering pride was first great! You feel so relieved that you can put a term to the irrational way you've been acting and thinking. You feel relieved that now that you know what the problem is, you might actually be able to find a solution. I was on a good path for awhile, things were getting clearer. Praying everyday that God would illuminate my weaknesses and vulnerability, the areas in life that I was most susceptible to becoming prideful again. I was able to tell when my thoughts were pride and when they were legit. When I was being selfish and when I was actually hurting. Life was getting better! That's what everyone wishes for when they are in their lowest days, right?

Warning: "Better" is walking on a lightly frozen over lake. "Better" is playing with fire.
Getting better means that people trust you more, they stop watching you all the time for every mistake, and eventually you stop watching yourself for the wrong thoughts and actions. Eventually you forget what got you into the mess you were in all those weeks ago and sadly you forget how Christ got you out...

And that's when R is for Replay.

All that progress, all that pain, all those tears of repentance, regret and apologizing goes down the drain.  The second you forget about pride is the second that you fall into last place. And when you fall behind, everything starts all over. Pride comes up with new lies. New ways for you to believe you don't need anyone but yourself. Ways to keep you thinking that life is going OK when really you are crawling across a field of thorns.

You can't EVER stop watching your pride.

It's like that un-potty trained puppy that seems so nice for awhile and so you keep it with you for just a bit longer than usual. You turn your back for two minutes and when you come back you find the fresh pile of crap on the living room carpet.

When you turn your back on pride, it's not gonna be kind to you and respect you. It's not going to choose to give you a break just this one time... No, it fights. It CHOOSES to destroy. It lingers. Pride replays itself in different ways over, and over... and over... and over again until... well. I don't know if it ever stops. My point is, do not let your guard down. The second you do, you're finished. You are as good as when you started.

I first noticed it 7 months after my big break down. That's when I noticed how much I had let pride sink back in. It was eating away at my relationship with my mom, my dad, and my brother. And then there I was again, stuck on my knees, begging God to rid my heart of the black again. So broken that I had to walk down this road again. There was no reason.. Most of all, there IS no reason... There is no reason that I should go through this again and there is certainly no reason that YOU should ever have to walk through a hurricane (and then some) twice.

Romans 7:8-12 (MSG):
 Don’t you remember how it was? I do, perfectly well. The law code started out as an excellent piece of work. What happened, though, was that sin found a way to pervert the command into a temptation, making a piece of “forbidden fruit” out of it. The law code, instead of being used to guide me, was used to seduce me. Without all the paraphernalia of the law code, sin looked pretty dull and lifeless, and I went along without paying much attention to it. But once sin got its hands on the law code and decked itself out in all that finery, I was fooled, and fell for it. The very command that was supposed to guide me into life was cleverly used to trip me up, throwing me headlong. So sin was plenty alive, and I was stone dead. But the law code itself is God’s good and common sense, each command sane and holy counsel.

So whether this is your second, fourth, or twenty-fourth round trip with pride, do not give up. 

Do not give up.