D is for Defenses.
P is for Perfect.
R is for Replay.
I is for Insecure Identity.
D is for Defenses.
Hello again, my friends. It really has been such a long time... and SO much has happened! Last post, was almost five months ago. I was in school, working, in a relationship, living in Colorado... Now I'm teaching teens how to play music, single, not in school and living with a dear family in Slovakia. Yup. As in the other side of the world, Slovakia. What??
To briefly fill you in, I had gone on a short term mission trip to Slovakia last summer and I loved the program that used music to teach teens about God and the Gospel. So I applied to be an intern through an organization called Josiah Venture for this spring semester, spent months working too many hours of overtime, recording music to sell for support, and boom. It all happened so fast, but here I am! Sitting in a different country, praying that God will use me in any way He wants, and missing Starbucks. (OK, so that last one may not be as important.) It's been an incredible process, and definitely one that was unexpected.
I've never taken a step like this before. Never even moved out of my house before! It's been exciting and also a little scary in parts. There's been moments of passion, there's also been moments of deep questioning and wondering if this is really what I'm called to do right now. But I KNOW that I would not be here if God didn't want me to be. I would not have raised the support that I did without His power. So needless to say, I am excited for what God has in store for these next 13 weeks.
Today, I want to talk about walls. Walls. Tall walls, thick walls, thin, wood, foam, metal walls. Concrete, inflatable, invisible walls. Short, fake, old walls. White, camo, black walls. What's the purpose of walls? To give privacy. To protect from weather. To decorate. To express yourself. To contain objects. To divide. To hide. Physical walls serve us a whole lot of good, have you ever really thought about the walls we can't see though? This is going to sound super corny but I'm talking about the walls we put up inside.
We all had that friendship, or even relationship, that we loved when we were younger. For some of us we were really young, for others it might have been very recent. When you find that one person just like you that understands your thoughts, your words, your actions. You don't have to worry that they will misinterpret you and get hurt. Or that they will take advantage of you or intentionally hurt you. You trust them with everything. You trust them with who you are. You don't have to be anyone but yourself around them. But then for some reason, you lose them. It could be as simple as they moved away, or it might have been ugly. Either way, it hurt more than anything you've felt before.
It's not easy getting a piece of your heart ripped out, big or small. It's a really, really painful experience that makes us bleed, scares us, and makes us desperate for healing. We have an assortment of options to heal the wound laid out in front of us, but most of us are in a state of shock and so we grab whatever is first in line; walls. Sure, there was a first aid kit to stop the bleeding, the was another person to help you, there was God's love and grace. We could have chosen any of these but for some reason, building a wall seemed like the best option to some of us. The result? The wound is untreated, prone to infection, and unable to heal. Our hurt is buried alive.
D is for Defenses.
There is a lot of irony behind the defenses that we create. Believe it or not, they are incredibly dangerous. And more importantly, no matter how much we want to believe that nothing could hurt us worse than what just did, defenses actually can.
We build defenses out of fear and maybe even bitterness. We realize how much pain we're in and our number one priority becomes "never feeling like this again". So we believe then that if we don't want to be in pain again, then we can't let anyone or anything gain access to our heart. These walls do their job and they build a solid box around our hearts. At first they are thin and flimsy, someone would probably be able to break it down if they wanted to. And then we slowly back away from the world... we try to blend into our jobs, our homes, our sports, even our churches hoping that no one will ask about how we are doing. Soon enough, we have been successful. No one is able to get into our hearts.
Over time the walls fortify and harden. They take on a solid, harder-to-penetrate form. They begin to blend in so well that even we forget that we put them there. And over time we forget the reason for the box all together...but we don't forget the pain.
The pain is still very real. We don't feel it as much because we have become numb to it, along with all our other emotions, but we are reminded of it daily. We are constantly on alert. Constantly watching our backs to make sure no one is going to pop out of the shadows and start trying to break through our box like a maniac... We become paranoid. But we hide it well. You learn to be friendly with people, to engage in conversations, work well with others, even laugh with a group of people but the moment one person crosses that comfort zone we run. Sometimes we have a reason to run. Maybe that person really can't be trusted! But then there are those people that you actually think you might be able to care about, but.....you can't.
Written in the fine print of the building contract you signed way back when for your walls, is "Warning: walls may expand and cause discombobulation". Yeah.. we didn't read too carefully. These walls DO expand and they make the truth hard for us to see. Every time we refuse to deal with what is inside the box, we allow it to grow. Eventually these walls reach their way to all of our relationships. Our coworkers, our friends, our accountability partners, our family. We don't think it's possible, but it is. And it hurts so bad! These walls, they destroy every source of love that is coming into your life. I know.
Somewhere along the line, I got really hurt. I believe it was some point in Jr. High that I decided I never wanted to be as hurt and devastated as I was then ever again. And being young, wounded and embarrassed, I began building my walls. Years later, I've seen friendship after friendship fail... I've seen my parents and I gravitate towards opposite corners of the room, more tolerating each other instead of loving each other. I've watched relationships fail... (All this failure, you begin to wonder what's wrong with you.) By this time, I had forgotten all about my walls. I honestly don't know for certain why I raised them. But they have kept love from me for years now. Not just earthly love, but love from my Father. I don't know what "being loved" feels like anymore... I thought I did, but because of separation I put in between me and everything else, I never truly felt the power of it. And likewise, I have not been able to give love in so many years.
The defenses we build only have the power to isolate you, captivate pain, and disable the exchange of love.
In an effort to self-protect we end up destroying ourselves. Pride keeps telling us that it's better this way though. Pride convinces us that we will never be able to really be helped, that this is the best we can do and to keep walking.
It's taken me 19 years to BEGIN to understand grace. To understand that there is ONE person, ONE love, ONE power that can save me from this loneliness. From the walls I've built that are so, so comfortable. Before God, when I choose to believe that He loves me for every part of who I am, my walls and my defenses begin to crack, crumble, and fall. And my wounds, begin to find healing! And though it hurts right now, it hurts to reexamine how I've pushed people that I love so far away from me, and it hurts to realize how ashamed I am of my past, I find peace knowing that God will use this pain to teach me and to mature me. That my heart will be stronger than it was before because it's filled with a love that isn't of this world.
This is a process. I understand that now. I won't understand God's grace over night or wake up one morning and know exactly how to love someone well, but I am trusting that God will begin to break down my walls each day that I believe that He died for my sins and that He rose and conquered death and my debt was paid. I don't have to live in shame or fear of love. I accept that loving someone will hurt, I also accept that God's love is better and He will take care of me.
" 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12: 9, 10
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." - 2 Corinthians 5: 17
"'Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.'" -Matthew 11: 28- 30
"For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace." - Romans 6: 14
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -Romans 8: 28
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8: 37-39
Your Love Is Better by Will Reagan
I close my eyes
There's a question deep inside
Will You guide me through the night?
Will You calm the storms of my life?
All these walls I've built
Are comfortable
And the world outside is loud
When the voice I trust is fear and doubt
I don't need your guidance now
All of my walls and my defenses fall
Fall to the ground
When the warmth of Your light
Shines all around
Your love is better
Than all the world can give
Your love is better
Than all the world can give
Will You save me from this emptiness?
Will You lead me into peace?
Will You save me from this loneliness?
Will Your hope, my fears, release?
R is for Replay.
I is for Insecure Identity.
D is for Defenses.
Hello again, my friends. It really has been such a long time... and SO much has happened! Last post, was almost five months ago. I was in school, working, in a relationship, living in Colorado... Now I'm teaching teens how to play music, single, not in school and living with a dear family in Slovakia. Yup. As in the other side of the world, Slovakia. What??
To briefly fill you in, I had gone on a short term mission trip to Slovakia last summer and I loved the program that used music to teach teens about God and the Gospel. So I applied to be an intern through an organization called Josiah Venture for this spring semester, spent months working too many hours of overtime, recording music to sell for support, and boom. It all happened so fast, but here I am! Sitting in a different country, praying that God will use me in any way He wants, and missing Starbucks. (OK, so that last one may not be as important.) It's been an incredible process, and definitely one that was unexpected.
I've never taken a step like this before. Never even moved out of my house before! It's been exciting and also a little scary in parts. There's been moments of passion, there's also been moments of deep questioning and wondering if this is really what I'm called to do right now. But I KNOW that I would not be here if God didn't want me to be. I would not have raised the support that I did without His power. So needless to say, I am excited for what God has in store for these next 13 weeks.
Today, I want to talk about walls. Walls. Tall walls, thick walls, thin, wood, foam, metal walls. Concrete, inflatable, invisible walls. Short, fake, old walls. White, camo, black walls. What's the purpose of walls? To give privacy. To protect from weather. To decorate. To express yourself. To contain objects. To divide. To hide. Physical walls serve us a whole lot of good, have you ever really thought about the walls we can't see though? This is going to sound super corny but I'm talking about the walls we put up inside.
We all had that friendship, or even relationship, that we loved when we were younger. For some of us we were really young, for others it might have been very recent. When you find that one person just like you that understands your thoughts, your words, your actions. You don't have to worry that they will misinterpret you and get hurt. Or that they will take advantage of you or intentionally hurt you. You trust them with everything. You trust them with who you are. You don't have to be anyone but yourself around them. But then for some reason, you lose them. It could be as simple as they moved away, or it might have been ugly. Either way, it hurt more than anything you've felt before.
It's not easy getting a piece of your heart ripped out, big or small. It's a really, really painful experience that makes us bleed, scares us, and makes us desperate for healing. We have an assortment of options to heal the wound laid out in front of us, but most of us are in a state of shock and so we grab whatever is first in line; walls. Sure, there was a first aid kit to stop the bleeding, the was another person to help you, there was God's love and grace. We could have chosen any of these but for some reason, building a wall seemed like the best option to some of us. The result? The wound is untreated, prone to infection, and unable to heal. Our hurt is buried alive.
D is for Defenses.
There is a lot of irony behind the defenses that we create. Believe it or not, they are incredibly dangerous. And more importantly, no matter how much we want to believe that nothing could hurt us worse than what just did, defenses actually can.
We build defenses out of fear and maybe even bitterness. We realize how much pain we're in and our number one priority becomes "never feeling like this again". So we believe then that if we don't want to be in pain again, then we can't let anyone or anything gain access to our heart. These walls do their job and they build a solid box around our hearts. At first they are thin and flimsy, someone would probably be able to break it down if they wanted to. And then we slowly back away from the world... we try to blend into our jobs, our homes, our sports, even our churches hoping that no one will ask about how we are doing. Soon enough, we have been successful. No one is able to get into our hearts.
Over time the walls fortify and harden. They take on a solid, harder-to-penetrate form. They begin to blend in so well that even we forget that we put them there. And over time we forget the reason for the box all together...but we don't forget the pain.
The pain is still very real. We don't feel it as much because we have become numb to it, along with all our other emotions, but we are reminded of it daily. We are constantly on alert. Constantly watching our backs to make sure no one is going to pop out of the shadows and start trying to break through our box like a maniac... We become paranoid. But we hide it well. You learn to be friendly with people, to engage in conversations, work well with others, even laugh with a group of people but the moment one person crosses that comfort zone we run. Sometimes we have a reason to run. Maybe that person really can't be trusted! But then there are those people that you actually think you might be able to care about, but.....you can't.
Written in the fine print of the building contract you signed way back when for your walls, is "Warning: walls may expand and cause discombobulation". Yeah.. we didn't read too carefully. These walls DO expand and they make the truth hard for us to see. Every time we refuse to deal with what is inside the box, we allow it to grow. Eventually these walls reach their way to all of our relationships. Our coworkers, our friends, our accountability partners, our family. We don't think it's possible, but it is. And it hurts so bad! These walls, they destroy every source of love that is coming into your life. I know.
Somewhere along the line, I got really hurt. I believe it was some point in Jr. High that I decided I never wanted to be as hurt and devastated as I was then ever again. And being young, wounded and embarrassed, I began building my walls. Years later, I've seen friendship after friendship fail... I've seen my parents and I gravitate towards opposite corners of the room, more tolerating each other instead of loving each other. I've watched relationships fail... (All this failure, you begin to wonder what's wrong with you.) By this time, I had forgotten all about my walls. I honestly don't know for certain why I raised them. But they have kept love from me for years now. Not just earthly love, but love from my Father. I don't know what "being loved" feels like anymore... I thought I did, but because of separation I put in between me and everything else, I never truly felt the power of it. And likewise, I have not been able to give love in so many years.
The defenses we build only have the power to isolate you, captivate pain, and disable the exchange of love.
In an effort to self-protect we end up destroying ourselves. Pride keeps telling us that it's better this way though. Pride convinces us that we will never be able to really be helped, that this is the best we can do and to keep walking.
It's taken me 19 years to BEGIN to understand grace. To understand that there is ONE person, ONE love, ONE power that can save me from this loneliness. From the walls I've built that are so, so comfortable. Before God, when I choose to believe that He loves me for every part of who I am, my walls and my defenses begin to crack, crumble, and fall. And my wounds, begin to find healing! And though it hurts right now, it hurts to reexamine how I've pushed people that I love so far away from me, and it hurts to realize how ashamed I am of my past, I find peace knowing that God will use this pain to teach me and to mature me. That my heart will be stronger than it was before because it's filled with a love that isn't of this world.
This is a process. I understand that now. I won't understand God's grace over night or wake up one morning and know exactly how to love someone well, but I am trusting that God will begin to break down my walls each day that I believe that He died for my sins and that He rose and conquered death and my debt was paid. I don't have to live in shame or fear of love. I accept that loving someone will hurt, I also accept that God's love is better and He will take care of me.
" 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12: 9, 10
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." - 2 Corinthians 5: 17
"'Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.'" -Matthew 11: 28- 30
"For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace." - Romans 6: 14
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -Romans 8: 28
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8: 37-39
Your Love Is Better by Will Reagan
I close my eyes
There's a question deep inside
Will You guide me through the night?
Will You calm the storms of my life?
All these walls I've built
Are comfortable
And the world outside is loud
When the voice I trust is fear and doubt
I don't need your guidance now
All of my walls and my defenses fall
Fall to the ground
When the warmth of Your light
Shines all around
Your love is better
Than all the world can give
Your love is better
Than all the world can give
Will You save me from this emptiness?
Will You lead me into peace?
Will You save me from this loneliness?
Will Your hope, my fears, release?
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