Finding Unconditional JOY, Right Where I Am

Our world offers fixes. Our world offers distractions. It offers temporary highs and conditional happiness. It informs us on what we need to be happy. It tells us who we need to BE to find contentment. It tells us who we need to look for to find love.  

But these long scavenger hunts never lead to a solution or anything close to contentment or joy. The world puts unattainable standards right under our nose to make us think “if only I had…” and “it’s so close…just a little more” and it always ends in disappointment. 

Most commonly for girls in their 20s, and maybe guys as well, this unattainable standard or desire is in the form of an imaginary, perfect person. And once you find this person, you will be complete in every way. You will finally be able to love yourself, feel appreciated, feel like you are worth something… all because this other broken person found you and said they liked you, and maybe even that they needed you.

Why is that so tempting for us to believe? Why does it take seconds to accept that someone else appreciates us, but years to believe that we can love ourselves? What is it that keeps us from seeing the things that already make us happy? Why is it that the one source of unconditional joy and happiness is the last thing our hearts want to accept? 

My heart has long been finished with temporary happiness and searching for the next “fix”… I want love and joy that I can depend on no matter what. I want a strength inside of me that will carry me through even the darkest, toughest seasons. And I know that people are not strong enough to do that. I want the security of knowing that if someone I care for deeply disappears from my life, that I won’t fall apart. Sure, it will hurt and I have every right to grieve the loss of a friendship, a relationship, or whatever, but it doesn’t have to, and shouldn’t cripple me.   Even my mom, or my dad, two of the strongest people that I know and who love me more than anyone on this earth, not even they can be that strength for me. People are not made to be THAT strong. That strength, that love has to come from another source. 

There have been a lot of ups and a lot of downs for me in this last year. And through them all, there have been challenges and opportunities for me to learn more about my strengths, my weaknesses, who I am, and who I want to be. At the start of last year, I learned a lot about joy, or so I thought. For the first time in my life, I had experienced this deep fullness in what I was doing. A fullness that I can only describe as the product of using the gifts and talents that God gave me, combined with using them in the right place and opportunities that He had specifically designed. This was joy. This was what it was like to be “like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail” (Isaiah 58:11). And this joy, this peace that came from my Father carried me for a good portion of the year; then winter crept in. 

Winter was… dark. 

I felt the normal seasonal depression starting to come, but it had never been something that I couldn’t fight before. But this year, it took me. The depression brought me to a place where I doubted everything about myself, everything around me, and every person around me and their sincerity. While I knew that God was in control, I couldn’t see past the lies that flooded my head. 

How was I supposed to find joy in this?

I had pushed away all my friends, and almost my family, out of fear that they didn’t actually care for me. I was single. And I was too prideful to talk to my parents about my issues. And though I begged God for answers, I didn’t seek Him. I didn’t read His word or spend time trying to listen to His voice. I didn’t thank Him for the things that He had blessed me with each day. 

Instead, every morning and every night, my mind wandered to the thought that if only there was “somebody” to tell me that they cared about me, I would be able to snap out of this. If only there was “somebody”… except I didn’t just want “somebody”. It had to be a “somebody” who was tall, male, musical, preferably attractive, Christian, athletic, funny, single, loved the Walking Dead and so on… So obviously, my mom, dad, and any girl friends I had didn’t make the cut. So my mind came to this conclusion: There’s no one that loves me. 

Interesting how our culture trains our minds to think that way isn’t it?

I’m not going to pretend though that depression is solely a spiritual battle. I did have to try an antidepressant, which fought with the voices in my head, but please pay attention: an antidepressant DOES NOT make you happy. It simply levels the playing field so that you can think more clearly to fight for that unconditional joy and love that you desire.   

So again, how was I to find joy in this?

I didn't have an answer to that until my plane landed back in Europe just over two months ago. I was beyond terrified to return to Slovakia to serve when I was in such a weak state. Yet, I chose to trust that God had an incredible plan in store. Somehow, despite my poor efforts, he provided over $10,000 for me to come on this internship… That’s no small thing. And as I started reconnecting with people, it all started to flow again. That fullness, that rich joy was back! And bigger than before! And in these two months I’ve learned so much. 

I know now why God allowed that dark and sorrowful season last winter. As I said before, I wanted love and joy that I could depend on no matter what. I wanted to know strength that could pull me through the darkness and help me to my feet on the top of the mountain. I knew already that people couldn’t do this for me, and I refused to accept that anyone but me could. 

But God took this time to break me, to show me how fragile and weak my body and mind really are, and then He lifted me up when I couldn’t lift myself, when my family couldn’t lift me up, and when no person could lift me up. And now I KNOW, that through anything, I have a GOD inside of me that will fight for me forever. That loves me no matter what. That knows all of my failures and secrets. That has a special and unique plan for my life and that has gifted me with special talents to follow the path He’s set before me. I have everything I need in Him. He has been, is, and always will be faithful to rescue, comfort, and smile upon me. Can you say the same for any person here on Earth?

Here is how I want to encourage you.

Perfection does not produce Joy. 

If you believe that to experience joy, you have to be the best you can be, you’re doing it wrong. First, you will never be perfect. Ever. Second, success can make you happy, but happiness is temporary. Joy is what comes from choosing to see the blessings that God has put in your life. And joy lasts because it is from an eternal God. 

A boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife can not meet all of your needs.

It’s unfair to put those expectations on someone else. Surely, you know that you can not meet all of the needs of another person, so why would you expect them to meet all of yours? Humans aren’t created for that, but God is. 

Spend less time on social media.

I believe the main source of the world’s expectations on us comes through Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Take time to realize that people’s whole lives aren’t on a computer or phone screen. Often all you are seeing is the highlights of someone’s life and next thing you know, you’re wondering why you’re life isn’t all highlights also. Don’t do that to yourself. Take time away from the social media world and remember what’s really important in the here in now. Recognize that you have faults, you have imperfections; and once you accept those and come to a place of realizing that those imperfections are OK, you will be so much happier! 

Be gentle with yourself.

You’re going to run into dark seasons. Life isn’t always perfect. But just because life is hard, does not mean there is no good to be found in it. You’re going to screw up and make mistakes. You’re going to forget all of this and search for someone to meet your needs again, but God knows that. God loves you still. God will always be there when you come back. Lastly, God will always forgive you, but you first need to forgive yourself. 

God loves you and made you just the way you are, you are created to find His unconditional joy, right where you are.