E is for Encounter.
P is for Perfect.
R is for Replay.
I is for Insecure Identity.
D is for Defenses.
E is for Encounter.
Here we are, on the last letter of PRIDE. I'm surprised when I think about how much the purpose of this blog has changed. Yet at the same time, the underlying purpose is still the same. I wanted to help people understand the pain and destruction that comes with Pride... but I wanted to tell them by sharing my own experiences and what I've learned. Now I find myself wanting to share so much more, not just about Pride but about all that God is teaching me through my weaknesses; through my masks.
The E for this series of posts has been very difficult to come up with. So many ideas run through my mind, so many different directions I could take this. But I've realized looking back over the posts that I have highlighted a lot of the nastiness of our human nature. I know that I have indeed highlighted my own weaknesses and moments that I can't say I'm proud of at all... I've thought about all the times I've lost the same battles over and over again. The times that I have hurt people around me. The times that I have disappointed those I love most, disappointed God.
And after so many months of trying to come back to this post and continue in a different direction each time, and then failing to finish.. I'm finally here. And I think I know what I want to tell you, but I can't promise I know what's about to come from my hands.
22 months ago, I discovered a disease in my heart that no doctor could diagnose or treat. A disease that plagued my character, my respect, and my credibility. I was wrecked by it. I was wrecked by my own heart. Somewhere along the way I allowed this thing into my life, it took its toll and I stood there, numb. Lifeless. Heartless. And 22 months ago, I encountered pride in my life. I tried to face it head on but it won the fight so many times. Eventually, when I began turning to my Savior, I started winning some of the battles. Things got better, I got stronger.
Nine months ago, I left on a journey that changed my life. It wasn't just the trip that changed me, but God certainly used many of the people and experiences there to impact me. However I had another encounter, this time with my identity. I got to encounter the true me, me in my purest form. I encountered Christ-in-Me.
E is for Encounter.
I can't say I encountered God like we all grow up to think we will... I didn't meet Him on the road one day, nor did I wake to a vision or loud voice. I simply and yet magnificently encountered God through surrender. About nine months ago, I reached a point where I was just done. I was done with who Abby was. I wasn't satisfied with the "Abby" I was at the time! I wanted to be more! I wanted life to mean something! I was tired of dragging around the baggage I carried everywhere. I was tired of saying I was getting better and then falling back into the same traps. I was done trying to convince people that everything was going to be fine. I was done trying to convince myself that I was gonna turn out OK. I was worried, very seriously worried, that I wasn't going to turn into this "woman of God" that everyone talked me up to be. I was falling apart.
And I was more than willing to give everything I had away. Finally. Because for some reason, it took years to let go of all the crap I insisted on carrying around with me...
I was in Slovakia when it happened. I felt weightless, and I felt happy. I forgot what I was searching for, and suddenly, I was just happy to be surrounded by teens that loved music, telling them about Christ. I finally realized what I was searching for, that big question of "WHO AM I?" was answered. I felt it and I heard it, "I am Christ-in-me". That is who I am. And out of that, flows everything that I say, do, like, become, feel. I encountered God in a way I didn't know I could, yet it was so obvious all along!
We are called to be God's vessels. Yeah, I had heard that all the time. So what? But oh my goodness!! How had I missed this the past 18 years of my life?? Our culture sends us on these ridiculous scavenger hunts around the country, the state, maybe even the world, to "find who you are" and "find who you were meant to be". But if only we could have the ability to see what God has in store for us over what the world says is in store for us! God HAS called us to be His vessels. His bodies on earth! We become a home for the Holy Spirit. We are simply HIS. He made us. He breathed LIFE into us. He gives us love. Laughter. Family. He takes what He sees fit to take. He provides when He sees fit to provide. WHO ARE WE to think WE determine how this life is supposed to go?
I have come to accept that if this God, that created me, that loved me and designed a life and purpose for me, if He is in me, what is there that can stand before me and make me tremble? That can make me sink my head and turn away. Who can tell me that I can't be someone worth being loved? And likewise, how can I dare to convince myself that I can't be loved if this amazing God has loved me so much to make Himself A PART of me? I can't. And to continue to do so, can only break God's heart in the worst way.
Lately, I have struggled with baggage that desperately wants to return to me.. I have endured the voices whispering to me, telling me that I will never be free of the things I have done. That I have scars. I have black marks on me. Voices telling me that people may not see these marks under my clothing, but if people get too close, surely they will see the damage and RUN.
I almost believe them.
Almost.
Sometimes I do.
I mean... will my future husband really forgive me for my past? Am I worthy of the Godly man that I desire? I'm not as innocent as I once was... and boy, does Satan eat away on that bone.
But truth is, I know who I am. I know who my Father is. And I know that His heart is in my own. I know that He has spilled His blood for MY sake. I know that He sees the things I've done, He's felt the things I have felt, and He chooses to love me just the same. I choose to believe that out of love, He has forgiven me for everything. He offers me a clean slate every day that I choose to joyfully depend on His strength, and not my own.
When I encountered God, I discovered how insignificant my life was without Him, and how significant it is WITH Him. Matthew 5:16 will always ring in my ears.. "let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven". With this new identity, I need to realize that who I am doesn't just affect me but it affects every person I will come in contact with. I now have a responsibility to love those around me just like He would.
Every day you will be told to be yourself. To discover who you are. To test your limits. To know no boundaries.
The world tells us it is OUR responsibility to discover and define who we are.
While it IS our responsibility to discover it, we must accept that we will not find that answer in ourselves. As soon as you let go of the identity that associates you with this world, and you ask God to show you who you are, I'm sure that you will encounter Him the same way as I.
R is for Replay.
I is for Insecure Identity.
D is for Defenses.
E is for Encounter.
Here we are, on the last letter of PRIDE. I'm surprised when I think about how much the purpose of this blog has changed. Yet at the same time, the underlying purpose is still the same. I wanted to help people understand the pain and destruction that comes with Pride... but I wanted to tell them by sharing my own experiences and what I've learned. Now I find myself wanting to share so much more, not just about Pride but about all that God is teaching me through my weaknesses; through my masks.
The E for this series of posts has been very difficult to come up with. So many ideas run through my mind, so many different directions I could take this. But I've realized looking back over the posts that I have highlighted a lot of the nastiness of our human nature. I know that I have indeed highlighted my own weaknesses and moments that I can't say I'm proud of at all... I've thought about all the times I've lost the same battles over and over again. The times that I have hurt people around me. The times that I have disappointed those I love most, disappointed God.
And after so many months of trying to come back to this post and continue in a different direction each time, and then failing to finish.. I'm finally here. And I think I know what I want to tell you, but I can't promise I know what's about to come from my hands.
22 months ago, I discovered a disease in my heart that no doctor could diagnose or treat. A disease that plagued my character, my respect, and my credibility. I was wrecked by it. I was wrecked by my own heart. Somewhere along the way I allowed this thing into my life, it took its toll and I stood there, numb. Lifeless. Heartless. And 22 months ago, I encountered pride in my life. I tried to face it head on but it won the fight so many times. Eventually, when I began turning to my Savior, I started winning some of the battles. Things got better, I got stronger.
Nine months ago, I left on a journey that changed my life. It wasn't just the trip that changed me, but God certainly used many of the people and experiences there to impact me. However I had another encounter, this time with my identity. I got to encounter the true me, me in my purest form. I encountered Christ-in-Me.
E is for Encounter.
I can't say I encountered God like we all grow up to think we will... I didn't meet Him on the road one day, nor did I wake to a vision or loud voice. I simply and yet magnificently encountered God through surrender. About nine months ago, I reached a point where I was just done. I was done with who Abby was. I wasn't satisfied with the "Abby" I was at the time! I wanted to be more! I wanted life to mean something! I was tired of dragging around the baggage I carried everywhere. I was tired of saying I was getting better and then falling back into the same traps. I was done trying to convince people that everything was going to be fine. I was done trying to convince myself that I was gonna turn out OK. I was worried, very seriously worried, that I wasn't going to turn into this "woman of God" that everyone talked me up to be. I was falling apart.
And I was more than willing to give everything I had away. Finally. Because for some reason, it took years to let go of all the crap I insisted on carrying around with me...
I was in Slovakia when it happened. I felt weightless, and I felt happy. I forgot what I was searching for, and suddenly, I was just happy to be surrounded by teens that loved music, telling them about Christ. I finally realized what I was searching for, that big question of "WHO AM I?" was answered. I felt it and I heard it, "I am Christ-in-me". That is who I am. And out of that, flows everything that I say, do, like, become, feel. I encountered God in a way I didn't know I could, yet it was so obvious all along!
We are called to be God's vessels. Yeah, I had heard that all the time. So what? But oh my goodness!! How had I missed this the past 18 years of my life?? Our culture sends us on these ridiculous scavenger hunts around the country, the state, maybe even the world, to "find who you are" and "find who you were meant to be". But if only we could have the ability to see what God has in store for us over what the world says is in store for us! God HAS called us to be His vessels. His bodies on earth! We become a home for the Holy Spirit. We are simply HIS. He made us. He breathed LIFE into us. He gives us love. Laughter. Family. He takes what He sees fit to take. He provides when He sees fit to provide. WHO ARE WE to think WE determine how this life is supposed to go?
I have come to accept that if this God, that created me, that loved me and designed a life and purpose for me, if He is in me, what is there that can stand before me and make me tremble? That can make me sink my head and turn away. Who can tell me that I can't be someone worth being loved? And likewise, how can I dare to convince myself that I can't be loved if this amazing God has loved me so much to make Himself A PART of me? I can't. And to continue to do so, can only break God's heart in the worst way.
Lately, I have struggled with baggage that desperately wants to return to me.. I have endured the voices whispering to me, telling me that I will never be free of the things I have done. That I have scars. I have black marks on me. Voices telling me that people may not see these marks under my clothing, but if people get too close, surely they will see the damage and RUN.
I almost believe them.
Almost.
Sometimes I do.
I mean... will my future husband really forgive me for my past? Am I worthy of the Godly man that I desire? I'm not as innocent as I once was... and boy, does Satan eat away on that bone.
But truth is, I know who I am. I know who my Father is. And I know that His heart is in my own. I know that He has spilled His blood for MY sake. I know that He sees the things I've done, He's felt the things I have felt, and He chooses to love me just the same. I choose to believe that out of love, He has forgiven me for everything. He offers me a clean slate every day that I choose to joyfully depend on His strength, and not my own.
When I encountered God, I discovered how insignificant my life was without Him, and how significant it is WITH Him. Matthew 5:16 will always ring in my ears.. "let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven". With this new identity, I need to realize that who I am doesn't just affect me but it affects every person I will come in contact with. I now have a responsibility to love those around me just like He would.
Every day you will be told to be yourself. To discover who you are. To test your limits. To know no boundaries.
The world tells us it is OUR responsibility to discover and define who we are.
While it IS our responsibility to discover it, we must accept that we will not find that answer in ourselves. As soon as you let go of the identity that associates you with this world, and you ask God to show you who you are, I'm sure that you will encounter Him the same way as I.
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