PRIDE

P is for Perfect. R is for Replay. I is for Insecure Identity. Doesn't it kind of seem like a paradox to say that pride represents your insecurities? This concept took me a long time to understand. Pride was supposed to be this thing that people boasted about. Pride was supposed to be that thing that people got when they were really good at something, and they knew it. Even Google says that pride is "a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements". At least that's what our world wants to believe. And they're OK with that. When I was little and learning about pride for the first time, I remember thinking, "I'll never have to worry about that... but I bet Brad Pitt's really prideful. And Brittney Spears. And Carmello Anthony. And Koby Bryant. And Carrie Underwood. I bet all of them are prideful." Why? Obviously because they were all famous! They all had something to brag about, to show the world! I just tho...

P is for Perfect. R is for Replay. Everyone has that thing that they just keep coming back to... Peanut M&Ms, coffee, chocolate milk, donuts, coffee, peanut butter, coffee, cheesy chick-flicks, horrible action films... There's always that thing that comes back no matter how much you hate yourself for loving it. Last December I realized how real and big pride was in my life; how infected I was. It took a complete crash course to get to that point but realizing it was half the battle. Amazing how well pride hides itself isn't it? I began to wonder, just how long have I been like this? What all has it affected in my life? How many people have I hurt? How many people noticed this before I did? I began to feel the true guilt and embarrassment of the things I had said and done over the past year or so. It hurt. Have you ever found yourself in that moment of awareness, where you hear loudly the sound of your own voice repeating over and over again the vicious words you said...

P is for Perfect. There are very few people like me that I have met, though I know there are plenty, that have a problem with commitment... No, I'm not talking about the relationship commitment that everyone talks about. I'm not talking about the guy who keeps wanting to hold your hand but won't ask you out on a date, OR the girl that writes the rest of her life away to that guy who asked her out, because obviously  he wants to marry her. No, I'm talking about the day to day commitments we make to ourselves, our jobs, our friends, and our families. I'm talking about the shift you promised to pick up for a coworker, the coffee you agreed to have at 8 am Friday morning, and the lab report you have due Monday night. Most people can handle their own schedules fine. They know when they need down time and they take it. They know when they need social time and they create it. They know when they need to get homework done and they do it. And they know when they need to ...

Pride. If I have learned anything in the last 10 months, it's a million things about pride . We ALL struggle with it to some degree; that's the frightening part. We all struggle with it, but do we all know that? Let me sum it up to you real brief: It's a disease. It's a germ. It's an annoyance. An addiction. A drug. A mask. A lie. It's anything you want to believe. It's anything except the truth. It knows you best. It preys on your weaknesses. It's discrete, but it's huge. It's subtle, but it's loud. It destroys. It burns and aches and rips. Pride is the one thing that can make you feel amazing and make you feel like you could throw up in a matter of minutes. Pride is the thing that can build a box of fantasies all around you until you forget what life actually  is and it has completely consumed you. Let me come out right now before you read any further and make sure you know that I will be the first to own up to my pride. It...